Today's Headlines:
Over-Pressurized Easy-Cheese Can Linked To Man's Drowning
Coca-Cola Announces: Cola Nuts Never Actually Added; CEO baffled to describe mysterious nut's flavor
Fashion Police Arrest Nudist For Withholding Evidence
Hopscotch Secrets Revealed to Area Boys; deal made with handful of jacks
Archie Comics Declared Bankrupt in Content Audit; cartoonists revealed to be a group of dusty Atari gaming consoles
Acid-Rock Persists in Moving Inebriated Listener from the 70's; sweat barely kept in check by fading red bandana
Area Dogs Break Tradition With Profound Moment of Silence
Hip-Hop Same As Rock-n-Roll in Local Violinists Mind
Upcoming Hip-Hop Hook Recounts Story of Genesis
Headline Typesetter Dies Premat opeij jfa;f i
Bistro Chef Declares Moratorium on Special #2;waitstaff unaided in cleaning up public relations mess
Student Publication Censored For Editor's Protection
